another day, another thought

i actually havent written on this blog for awhile. So i decided to write abit.
this weekend, i went to byron and went on a massive bender with my friends. saw mgmt and mickey avalon it was fun, though i always drink to much and end up doing stupid things which i regret and feel so embarrassed and ashamed about. like the smallest things, like saying something that offended someone, i feel so incredibly bad about it for so long. I know i shouldnt care, but i care so much, i hate how people get impressions of me as this loose trash bag, bitch slut. Thats totally not who i am. i need to stop drinking i think, when i drink i loose my mind, and then when i sober out i have to deal with everything and it depresses me for days. going over every single detail of the things i did, it just does my head in. i do it about everything though, even when i am sober, though i hide it very well. No wonder i drink & do drugs, its so much better, you know your going to be happy and your not going to give a shit about anything anyone says about you or anything you do yourself. nothing matters and i think thats why its so appealling to me. though its such a vicious cycle, and if i keep going this way it will be my downfall. I really need to get a grip on my life and try to be normal. though that life to me seems worse then dying.
i'm way to tired to write anymore.