Candy

"We will grow strong and high and live on forever"

-Dane Bayliss

Used and Abused.

a boy,
so i finally find one.
one whos decent, kind, attractive, affectionate.. etc.
so i'm happy.. until.

yes theres always the "until"

one night he goes upstairs to make dinner and get me ice cream while i am laying down stairs on his bed, relaxing, feeling at leisure, decided to text my friend brie to see when she will be finnishing work and picking me up. (knowing me i naver have credit) so i grab the guys phone to text brie, as i go to rtext brie what do i find but messages to another girl..
quote:-
"i'm not with her" (talking about me)
"i want to see you, do you want to see me?" (to her)
"i never though you liked me" (to her)

he walks downstairs and catches me just as i finnish reading the last hurtful line of the messages.
at this point i am in shock, i dont know what to do so i decide to ask him whp this girl is.
he freaks out (but still unaware that i have read the messages) until i tell him and he dosent know what to say. but eventually he admits to it and says that he had been seeing this girl before he saw me and he still has feelings for her etc etc.
hmm what a cunt. why would he even start something with me when he still has feeling for someone else? dont understand. i find it hard to understand things that people do which i totally would not be able to do. so yeah, he drives me home and thats the end. so quickly only 20mins earlier we were kisssing cuddling being sappy and coupley and then in one instant its all over.
he must have really cared for me :


err so over males being such selfish cunts, its soo not fair, dont lead a girl on or see them unless you actually want to be with them, such a waste of my time and my emotions. but yeah i am over it, happened a few weeks ago, but boy did i take it hard.

i read this one a girls blog and i think its perfect:-
"i am a saint, i am a queen, and you are just another boy without a crown"

and its true, he is just another wanker. i am not the most beautiful, funny, wonderful person to be around, but i am not a little skank, i'm not nasty, i'm honest and caring, and quiet frankly i'm alot better than him.

i watched wicker park today.
its an excellent movie, twists everywhere through it, but the ending is soo good, and
coldplay- scientist, sets the mood sooo well.
xx

The Present Moment;

At this particular moment in time, i'm going through a temporary "weak" stage.
seeing pictures of your ex boyfriend (especailly when there with a new girl) , who you cared for very much, is hard, even when you feel that you have moved on, theres always something inside you that longs for his touch again, and to reverse to the times where you felt safe and happy with him. however, in reality those times are short lived (well atleast in my case they are) and even if we were to reverse time back to then, i would find myself going through the same hurtful break up scenario again. which was so diffucult for the both of us, and not only ruined our relationship but also had a large impact on our friendship.
will i always have these feelings for this particular person, even when i am happily married or with someone else who i love deeply? or will they eventually fade with maturity and time?
hmm, i guess we will one day find out. but for the moment, i can only think of the slight pain it bring me, which follows with the anger i feel towards myself for letting myself become so emotionally fragile.

however looking on a more positive side, i have found that i (unlike many other girls) can cope without a male, i dont need to hook up with males or have sex with people constantly to feel good about myself. i enjoy spending time with my friends and always have them around. and i think this definatly helps me. and i am a very sexual person, however i cannot have sex with someone who i am not attracted to. i refuse to give up my respect for someone unless i think it will actually mean something or they will actually appreciate me and not see me as "just another fuck". this is why my friends i have not had sex with many people, and i have not had sex in a fairly long time. and i really dont care.

the present moment,

hmm..

i think i may have just discovered something verry interesting.
not that i agree with the whole situation but i love getting opinions on situations.
because having opinions from both sides helps you to make your opinion on the matter the most unbiast. so thats how i see every situation and i think everyone should be given a fair chance and a chance to voice there opinion. (even if its totally fucked up and not right, because they have to be coming from somewhere in the end)

but yeah the website.
http://smoochntell.blogspot.com

its pretty cleaver, a females perspective on men and her experiances with them. havent had a chance yet to fully read it but have read some snipits out of the blog and i find it pretty interesting so far.

probably a good thing for me to be reading, because i find that i get, not attached but i always see the good in people, especially males, and find myself getting hurt alot by males. which annoys me because i hate the fact that some stupid prick could have that affect over me and make me second think my opinion of myself or the way i look or my personality as not being good enough.
it happens to femals aswell when i befriend them and i give them my trust and they backstab me, and i just dont understand why people do it, but i guess not everyone is decent. actually alot of people arent. but thats just how things are. and we have to cope to deal with it.
but enough i have to go to bries house/

frogs legs and camels humps

i have been happy recently,
until ofcourse when i came home and getting abuse from every dirtection.
fucking hate it, hate hate hate.

starting to take some pictures to draw, got a facination with the female body at the moment so got some girls to pose nude for me, and going to draw them with charcol (b&w)
see how it works out.

umm watched one of my all time fav movies before,
Requiem for a dream.
jared leto is one of the most beautiful people walking this earth, in my books.
cant handle how the mum goes crazy,
i never want to be like that or even close,
lonliness is something i cant handle.

also watched the dreamers and american beauty.
also some of my favourite movies.
keen to watch fear and loathing. but fucking blockbuster didnt have it and i have no idea where my dvd of it has gone, along with a bunch of my belongings.
should really pull myself together and collect up my shit, insted of giving it away or letting people steal it considering my poor ass bitch circumstances.

i'm going on a diet again. lost weight. 46kg's.put some back on 52kg.stayed like that for awhile. then put on 2 more kg's. all of it seemed to go to my boobs. been asked a million times if my boobs are real. over it. want to get rid of them. found the greatest website ever...

homotography.blogspot.com

going to go do these drawing now, really want to go out tonight but have no money.
having a fight with centerlink. been months now and they havent given me shit, even though i have no money, cant get a job, no place to stay except with friends/sleeping on the floor. ugh. so shit.

starting to like a guy. for his personality, probably because i dont know him. shit because hes beautiful too, and knows it. waste of time.

episode.s.s.s.s

i'll kill her-soko,.
download it.
oh and weekend wars-mgmt.
favourite songs at the moment.
wekkend was pretty hectic.
i ended up going a little crazy and burning my arms.


yeah, silly.
i sent away for my centerlink. hopefully i get some money soon, i'm starting to go crazy.
umm yeah my friends got kicked out on the weekend. like we ended up having to go to the hospital 2 nights out of the like 4 nights we went out. :
oh and doctor chong has put me on ritalin, great, i dont know why hes giving me this shit, i dont have a.d.d or a.d.h.d i think its just because i never get any better and he just keeps putting me on more drugs, so that i get some sort of brain damage and then have no brain left to think about depression or negativity. haha.

so worried. need to get my life together.
want to go o.p shopping. and buy a salarium. goshhhhh!
will do it. just have to save my sweet centerlink money, and i need a job to, dont want to be a centerlink bludgeer for very long.
ughhh.
x

today,tomorow,yesterday

ugh today im feeling like the biggest nothing.
i stopped taking my tablets, i dont know why, i just dont feel like i want to spend the next couple of weeks all druged up as usual,
i'm so tired i feel like my eyes are going to ddrop out of my head and its rainy and cold outside. and normally on days like this i'm never in the best mood, luckily brie (one of my very best friends) is here to keep me company and stop me from digging a deeper hole than i am already in. also i have been so hungry and its killing me, i weight myself atleast 5 times a day and i hate it when i am over 50kg's. makes me feel sick and obese..
i miss my friends, but i'm going to see them in the city this arvo, thankgod, as well as putting resumes out in the city tomorow so i can get a job and get away from redcliffe and my parents, because they drive me insaine and everytime i come home we atleast haver a big fight over the same things so it will just be better to escape it all. plus i need to get direction in my life and meaning. so gettting a job and having some responsibility definately seems like a step in a positive direction.
ugh i also neeed money so i can buy new things from o.p shops and the shops that are actually worth looking in in the valley/city (usually very expensive) but whatever, cant habndle having the same clothes as someone else.; and buying clothes and looking good makes me feel happy.

oh well i really dont know why i keep this blog, hopefully no one reads it, or else they will think i am some drop kick wanker. but whatever, its a good way to keep myself under control.
i think i'm going to watch sex and the city. so ta ta fellow beings!
x

ratatat + my shitness

yeah, latley i have been listening to there music heaps, i have always really liked them but i cant stop listening to them lately. i went to there concert and fuck cunt motherlicker got way to drunk and got kicked out. however i was at the front for quiet awhile and one of the dudes from Ratatat was hitting my bottle with his drum sticks. it was a nice experiance. haha. sad that i can hardly remember. ughhh.




last weekend i was the biggest cunt to one of my best friends, i feel so terrible, like words cannot explain how much this person means to me and hes fragile like i am and i just cant beleive i did that to him. i cant even remember any of the night. but fuck my doctor hasd put me of epillesy pills and i dont even have it. fuck and i think thats why i was so out of it, going nutter. i had 3 glasses of goon mixed with fanta. and cant remember any of the night, i face planted into the concrete and i have scratches and bruises all over my body, and hit my head on the gutter, concussion?. thats not normal to forget all of that. not trying to make up excuses, still my fault i put my friend through all of that and i will never get over it. never! i feel like the worst person ever!! i love him so much, i'm so shit! err

bloody beetroots

also hoping to see the bloody beetroots perform at empire on the 25th of june. \dont know how much the tickets will be, have seen them perform before, but i wasnt in the right state, cant remember why.
stressing because i'm going to steal mums credit card to buy splendour tickets.
dont know why, suddenly felt an embrace of guilt, stress and fear in my body today.

x

TODAY

today,
my head is doing itself in.
i found a woman,
who sings songs
the songs i can relate to at this stage in my life.
the music, not sure,
the lyrics, positive.
the people being talked about.
the people who have extremity over the songs.
its all correct.
and i'm probably talking bullshit, but it makes scense to me.

the person.
rosanne cash
google her lyrics.

news news news.

I just experianced one of the most hectic few days of my life.
went out to uber on wednesday night, drank too much, went to gpo on thursday for easter party, everyone was smashed because the clubs closed at 12 so we started drinking pretty much at like 2pm, then went to a warehouse party when the clubs closed. went home, drank more then decided we wanted cigarettes, carried/dragged our friend out to come with us, went and got cigarettes, punched each other in the faces for fun, giving me a black eye.



then went home drank more, got emotional, drank more then passed out. then friday, went to a party on friday afternoon ended up going out that night aswell when the clubs opened at 12. stayed out till sunrise. passed out. woke up, watched a movie, drove home. my sisters 21st birthday party was being held at our place. so much alcohol and food everywhere. got fed a million drinks, passed out. sunday woke up, made myself a meal for the first time in so long. went to the city. went to normanby, then went to gpo. got home drank some more. passed out.

my health is definatly not in the best condition at the moment.
and i'm going to sydney on thursday for another few days of trouble. i really need like to detox for a week or something but i just cant handle not going out, i feel like i wait all week for the weekend and if i dont go out its a waste of the week and my youth. ughhh

nothing else has been happening, still dont have a job and i'm cool with it. made a cute lacey shirt on saturday night, between drinks. haha. and debued my red tights. some people love them and some hate them and try to pay me out. not that i care what anyone thinks at all. haha.

x

so on, so on.

so,
thesedays have been pretty good,
lost abit more weight, so its alright.
going to see mickey av in concert tonight,
so excited because it will be the first time seeing him live.
my gay friend jhayke is really drunk at the moment because he is suposed to be going to future music and hes been kissing everyone, yes slowly turning him straight/bi, hahahaha.
but yeah got an account on lookbook.
check it out.

http://lookbook.nu/user/27780-Stephanie-G

nothing else really new and exciting to write.,
been going to the salarium heaps latley so getting a good tan.
yay. :)

Mixed Emotions

ugh so latley, i have been really sad in some aspects but really happy in others.
for example. i have found/made some amazing clothes, which makes me really happy, and i have been frequently visiting the beach or salarium so now i'm nice and tanned and i have also lost about 7kg. so thats always a good thing.
but on the other hand, i have been really anxious and feeling really rejected and that i need to get a new start and forget about everything. so thats made me all sad and disconnected lately aswell.

we went to good vibes over the weekend, it was so good, saw sam sparrow, yelle, deadmau5, the presets, and heaps more.
fully got the whole crazy festival thing going on, it rained so it was muddy and every one was dirty and wet and sweaty on drugs and i always ended up squishing myself into the front of the mosh where i managed to get a million bruises from getting pushed around by all the sweaty drunk/drug fucked shirtless dudes that were surrounding me.
oh was also pretty cool because my friend kept on putting me on his shoulders so i got some good veiws from up there and was put on the big screen so many times. reow.

this week should be good, apparently will be getting free accomidation down the coast on wednesday night and on thursday the launch for fashion kids will be awsome, and i think for the rest of the weekend i might take it pretty easy, well thats my plan atm, but i'll probably end up going out friday and saturday night. i have this problem where i have to go out or do something on fridays and saturday or else i get really depressed and feel shit.

anyways these were our outfits for good vibes.

Hes just not that into you.

"hes just not that into you"..
the statement of my life. haha
we (a couple of my friends) and i have been discussing our love lives,
subject came up, since valentines day is approaching, and we will all be ALONE on valentines day.. yes how depressing.
this is what we have come up with:-
brie (my closest girlfriend)- dosent like clingy boys, she likes people who are secretly in love with her and she hates when boys show weakness, she also tends to focuses on there negatives. She likes attension of boys, but she dosent like to much, and only when she wants it. She also hates boys who talk about themselves to much, because she should be the one that feels special.
Chrissay- Seems to always be the 'rebound' girl, she always get caught up with boys who have just come out of serious relationships and thus they are not ready to commit again. OR she has also been known to get involved with backpackers who are visiting the country. ugh.
Stef (me)- I am the complete opposite to brie, if i like someone i like to let them know and i love being close to people that i like. I tend to focus on all there positives and if they do something really hurtful, i always seem to forgive them because i figure there must be a reason.

thats pretty much our conclusion to the subject.
but yeah. i, like many girls are always getting hurt by boys, and no matter how much it pisses me of, i think that in the end its a good life lesson, and makes you stronger as a person. i also, like the fact that i can have feeling for someone and not get scared and want to be with them, and pleasure myself physically with somone that i actually care for, insted of being a big dirty germ and going around fucking random people. I seriously dont see how anyone could get pleasure out of that... but some people do!

anyways, valentines day isnt that much of a big deal anyways, and i am still young so i'm not really that bothered about being single!

in other news, i went to the beach today, was pretty fun, planning on working up my tan, i got really taned last year, but this year i have been abit slack .... whoops. haha

Crystal.Castles

so the other night, i went to the met (club in brisbane) to see crystal casltes play.
ughh they are like one of my favourite bands and they were so amazing. rahh
ended up having the most randomest fun night, and then this chick came and gave us v.i.p entry so we got a sweet v.i.p deal. but yeah was so good.



these are some photos from it.
we forgot to take the camera, so :(
but yeah...
-stef and jhayke.


-jhayke,stef and brendan.

Shit Cunts

so recently i have been seeing this guy and we have become pretty close,
but even though we werent together i always thought he wouldnt fully go off and fuck some other chick.. yeah i was fucking wrong!
i'm just so sick of feeling sad because of other people, and yeah i
'm going to sit here and bitch and moan about it, and then i'll call up my friends and bitch and moan about it and then i'll probably cbring up the subject in another few weeks and bitch and moan about it again, because i guess it makes me feel better about myself.
how very sad.!

oh and i want some pants like this..

i'm going to bleach my purple ksubi's so hopefully they turn out good, and a good trick to make them look rugged is to get your cheese grator and like grate the fabric.

i got these jeans for $4 at life line (second hand store) yesterday, and made them into some high pants, there abit big though. damm it.

LookBook.

I've been so depressed latley,
because there is this amazing website,
lookbook.nu
and it has so many beautiful clothes.
it kills me, because i want them so much, unfortunatly a jobless, partying to hard, smoking too much, life dosent leave me with many pennies.
Boo.

Fav Songs atm:-
Paris is Burning-Ladyhawke.
Dimmakmmunication- The Bloody Beetroots
Frank Sinatra- Miss Kitten

Fashion Kid

so like anyone in the brisbane area, should come to gpo on the 26th of feB,
its the launch of fashion kids,
and its going to be a wild night.
full of beautiful people and endless amounts of cigarettes and alcohol.
<3