i actually havent written on this blog for awhile. So i decided to write abit.
this weekend, i went to byron and went on a massive bender with my friends. saw mgmt and mickey avalon it was fun, though i always drink to much and end up doing stupid things which i regret and feel so embarrassed and ashamed about. like the smallest things, like saying something that offended someone, i feel so incredibly bad about it for so long. I know i shouldnt care, but i care so much, i hate how people get impressions of me as this loose trash bag, bitch slut. Thats totally not who i am. i need to stop drinking i think, when i drink i loose my mind, and then when i sober out i have to deal with everything and it depresses me for days. going over every single detail of the things i did, it just does my head in. i do it about everything though, even when i am sober, though i hide it very well. No wonder i drink & do drugs, its so much better, you know your going to be happy and your not going to give a shit about anything anyone says about you or anything you do yourself. nothing matters and i think thats why its so appealling to me. though its such a vicious cycle, and if i keep going this way it will be my downfall. I really need to get a grip on my life and try to be normal. though that life to me seems worse then dying.
i'm way to tired to write anymore.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Used and Abused.
a boy,
so i finally find one.
one whos decent, kind, attractive, affectionate.. etc.
so i'm happy.. until.
yes theres always the "until"
one night he goes upstairs to make dinner and get me ice cream while i am laying down stairs on his bed, relaxing, feeling at leisure, decided to text my friend brie to see when she will be finnishing work and picking me up. (knowing me i naver have credit) so i grab the guys phone to text brie, as i go to rtext brie what do i find but messages to another girl..
quote:-
"i'm not with her" (talking about me)
"i want to see you, do you want to see me?" (to her)
"i never though you liked me" (to her)
he walks downstairs and catches me just as i finnish reading the last hurtful line of the messages.
at this point i am in shock, i dont know what to do so i decide to ask him whp this girl is.
he freaks out (but still unaware that i have read the messages) until i tell him and he dosent know what to say. but eventually he admits to it and says that he had been seeing this girl before he saw me and he still has feelings for her etc etc.
hmm what a cunt. why would he even start something with me when he still has feeling for someone else? dont understand. i find it hard to understand things that people do which i totally would not be able to do. so yeah, he drives me home and thats the end. so quickly only 20mins earlier we were kisssing cuddling being sappy and coupley and then in one instant its all over.
he must have really cared for me :
err so over males being such selfish cunts, its soo not fair, dont lead a girl on or see them unless you actually want to be with them, such a waste of my time and my emotions. but yeah i am over it, happened a few weeks ago, but boy did i take it hard.
i read this one a girls blog and i think its perfect:-
"i am a saint, i am a queen, and you are just another boy without a crown"
and its true, he is just another wanker. i am not the most beautiful, funny, wonderful person to be around, but i am not a little skank, i'm not nasty, i'm honest and caring, and quiet frankly i'm alot better than him.
i watched wicker park today.
its an excellent movie, twists everywhere through it, but the ending is soo good, and
coldplay- scientist, sets the mood sooo well.
xx
so i finally find one.
one whos decent, kind, attractive, affectionate.. etc.
so i'm happy.. until.
yes theres always the "until"
one night he goes upstairs to make dinner and get me ice cream while i am laying down stairs on his bed, relaxing, feeling at leisure, decided to text my friend brie to see when she will be finnishing work and picking me up. (knowing me i naver have credit) so i grab the guys phone to text brie, as i go to rtext brie what do i find but messages to another girl..
quote:-
"i'm not with her" (talking about me)
"i want to see you, do you want to see me?" (to her)
"i never though you liked me" (to her)
he walks downstairs and catches me just as i finnish reading the last hurtful line of the messages.
at this point i am in shock, i dont know what to do so i decide to ask him whp this girl is.
he freaks out (but still unaware that i have read the messages) until i tell him and he dosent know what to say. but eventually he admits to it and says that he had been seeing this girl before he saw me and he still has feelings for her etc etc.
hmm what a cunt. why would he even start something with me when he still has feeling for someone else? dont understand. i find it hard to understand things that people do which i totally would not be able to do. so yeah, he drives me home and thats the end. so quickly only 20mins earlier we were kisssing cuddling being sappy and coupley and then in one instant its all over.
he must have really cared for me :
err so over males being such selfish cunts, its soo not fair, dont lead a girl on or see them unless you actually want to be with them, such a waste of my time and my emotions. but yeah i am over it, happened a few weeks ago, but boy did i take it hard.
i read this one a girls blog and i think its perfect:-
"i am a saint, i am a queen, and you are just another boy without a crown"
and its true, he is just another wanker. i am not the most beautiful, funny, wonderful person to be around, but i am not a little skank, i'm not nasty, i'm honest and caring, and quiet frankly i'm alot better than him.
i watched wicker park today.
its an excellent movie, twists everywhere through it, but the ending is soo good, and
coldplay- scientist, sets the mood sooo well.
xx
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Present Moment;
At this particular moment in time, i'm going through a temporary "weak" stage.
seeing pictures of your ex boyfriend (especailly when there with a new girl) , who you cared for very much, is hard, even when you feel that you have moved on, theres always something inside you that longs for his touch again, and to reverse to the times where you felt safe and happy with him. however, in reality those times are short lived (well atleast in my case they are) and even if we were to reverse time back to then, i would find myself going through the same hurtful break up scenario again. which was so diffucult for the both of us, and not only ruined our relationship but also had a large impact on our friendship.
will i always have these feelings for this particular person, even when i am happily married or with someone else who i love deeply? or will they eventually fade with maturity and time?
hmm, i guess we will one day find out. but for the moment, i can only think of the slight pain it bring me, which follows with the anger i feel towards myself for letting myself become so emotionally fragile.
however looking on a more positive side, i have found that i (unlike many other girls) can cope without a male, i dont need to hook up with males or have sex with people constantly to feel good about myself. i enjoy spending time with my friends and always have them around. and i think this definatly helps me. and i am a very sexual person, however i cannot have sex with someone who i am not attracted to. i refuse to give up my respect for someone unless i think it will actually mean something or they will actually appreciate me and not see me as "just another fuck". this is why my friends i have not had sex with many people, and i have not had sex in a fairly long time. and i really dont care.
seeing pictures of your ex boyfriend (especailly when there with a new girl) , who you cared for very much, is hard, even when you feel that you have moved on, theres always something inside you that longs for his touch again, and to reverse to the times where you felt safe and happy with him. however, in reality those times are short lived (well atleast in my case they are) and even if we were to reverse time back to then, i would find myself going through the same hurtful break up scenario again. which was so diffucult for the both of us, and not only ruined our relationship but also had a large impact on our friendship.
will i always have these feelings for this particular person, even when i am happily married or with someone else who i love deeply? or will they eventually fade with maturity and time?
hmm, i guess we will one day find out. but for the moment, i can only think of the slight pain it bring me, which follows with the anger i feel towards myself for letting myself become so emotionally fragile.
however looking on a more positive side, i have found that i (unlike many other girls) can cope without a male, i dont need to hook up with males or have sex with people constantly to feel good about myself. i enjoy spending time with my friends and always have them around. and i think this definatly helps me. and i am a very sexual person, however i cannot have sex with someone who i am not attracted to. i refuse to give up my respect for someone unless i think it will actually mean something or they will actually appreciate me and not see me as "just another fuck". this is why my friends i have not had sex with many people, and i have not had sex in a fairly long time. and i really dont care.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
hmm..
i think i may have just discovered something verry interesting.
not that i agree with the whole situation but i love getting opinions on situations.
because having opinions from both sides helps you to make your opinion on the matter the most unbiast. so thats how i see every situation and i think everyone should be given a fair chance and a chance to voice there opinion. (even if its totally fucked up and not right, because they have to be coming from somewhere in the end)
but yeah the website.
http://smoochntell.blogspot.com
its pretty cleaver, a females perspective on men and her experiances with them. havent had a chance yet to fully read it but have read some snipits out of the blog and i find it pretty interesting so far.
probably a good thing for me to be reading, because i find that i get, not attached but i always see the good in people, especially males, and find myself getting hurt alot by males. which annoys me because i hate the fact that some stupid prick could have that affect over me and make me second think my opinion of myself or the way i look or my personality as not being good enough.
it happens to femals aswell when i befriend them and i give them my trust and they backstab me, and i just dont understand why people do it, but i guess not everyone is decent. actually alot of people arent. but thats just how things are. and we have to cope to deal with it.
but enough i have to go to bries house/
not that i agree with the whole situation but i love getting opinions on situations.
because having opinions from both sides helps you to make your opinion on the matter the most unbiast. so thats how i see every situation and i think everyone should be given a fair chance and a chance to voice there opinion. (even if its totally fucked up and not right, because they have to be coming from somewhere in the end)
but yeah the website.
http://smoochntell.blogspot.com
its pretty cleaver, a females perspective on men and her experiances with them. havent had a chance yet to fully read it but have read some snipits out of the blog and i find it pretty interesting so far.
probably a good thing for me to be reading, because i find that i get, not attached but i always see the good in people, especially males, and find myself getting hurt alot by males. which annoys me because i hate the fact that some stupid prick could have that affect over me and make me second think my opinion of myself or the way i look or my personality as not being good enough.
it happens to femals aswell when i befriend them and i give them my trust and they backstab me, and i just dont understand why people do it, but i guess not everyone is decent. actually alot of people arent. but thats just how things are. and we have to cope to deal with it.
but enough i have to go to bries house/
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